


Just Can't Stand Up, I'm Falling Apart

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-20
Updated: 2011-10-20
Packaged: 2017-10-24 19:50:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/267214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Take a deep breath and count to ten, Aaron.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Can't Stand Up, I'm Falling Apart

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS FOR 100! This story was inspired by the Lady Antebellum song, Need You Now and listening to way too much of Meatloaf’s Couldn’t Have Said It Better Myself. The title comes from the Cheap Trick song, The Flame. It’s so Hotch/Prentiss for me.

Hotch walked into the apartment, dropping his keys on the floor by the side table. He locked the door but didn’t bother with lights. It was probably the last thing he needed but he went over to the bar and poured another healthy tumbler of Maker’s Mark. Walking over to the couch, Hotch plopped down. The bourbon didn’t taste good going down, which was a sin, but he didn’t give a damn anymore. He needed just a little more and then he could pass out.

Hotch closed his eyes, saying a silent prayer of thanks as he held the glass to his lips that his son wasn’t there. Jack was spending more and more time at Jessie’s. At least his father knew he was safe and secure there. The Unit Chief knew changes needed to be made; he had to get his act together. Tonight was not a good example though Hotch knew time was almost up. Leaning forward for the remote, he turned on the satellite radio. The silence was too much…he felt the dark walls closing in on him.

 _Another shot of whiskey  
Can't stop looking at the door  
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before  
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind  
For me it happens all the time  
It’s a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk  
And I need you now  
And I said I wouldn’t call but I've lost all control  
And I need you now  
And I don’t know how I can do without  
But I just need you now_.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Hotch grumbled as the last of the liquor slid down his throat. He laid his head on the back of the couch, his arm dangling off the side. The empty tumbler hit the carpet with a dull thud. He closed his eyes, letting the lyrics and the darkness embrace him. _And I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all_. Hotch was going to change tomorrow; he had to. He had to fix this and get his life back.

His cell phone rang, jarring him. It was _Tiny Dancer_ , one of her favorite songs. Hotch didn’t have to look at the display to know who was calling. He turned down the volume and ignored it. Another Elton John song came on the radio and filled his universe. Was the radio trying to tell him to get his shit straight too?

 _Maybe you're missing something in the air  
I got a name but it don’t matter  
What's going on, it’s cold in here?  
You have a life but it’s torn and tattered  
Maybe you're losing pieces of your heart  
You have a world but it stopped turning  
You lose the day and gain the dark  
Love was a fire but it stopped burning_.

“I get it! I get it, dammit!”

 _Tiny Dancer_ started again, this time lower, and Hotch let out a groan of frustration. He grabbed the cell phone from his jacket pocket and threw it across the room. It hit the wall and then the floor…Hotch knew it wouldn’t be singing anymore. Maybe now he could just drift away. If she wanted to be a babysitter then she could go to hell with the rest of them.

“Hotch?”

His head turned slowly when he heard his name. It was followed by knocking on the door. Oh c'mon, this was ridiculous.

“Hotch? Aaron, are you in there? I can hear the music. Aaron?”

He was there and he was pissed. Couldn’t a man get plastered and just pass out in peace? She was going to get a piece of his mind as soon as he could get up from the couch. Hotch sighed, leaning forward again to stand. The dizziness came first, the lightheadedness and nausea followed close behind.

Suddenly Hotch was falling. Words were coming out of his mouth as he tried to stop it from happening, indecipherable words, and he fell sideways. Hotch hit the coffee table first, which caused it to fall over, and then the floor with a thump. He groaned loudly in confusion and pain.

“Hotch? Hotch!”

He heard the key turn in the lock and Emily was kicking the door open. No doubt she had her gun aimed and looked every bit of the badass that she was in those situations.

“Oh dear God, Aaron.”

He wanted to look toward her approaching voice but his head was a bit heavy at the moment. It would’ve taken more energy than he could muster.

“Are you alright?” Emily holstered her gun and crouched at his side. “Hotch?”

“Leave me alone.” He mumbled. “I'm fine.”

“You are not fine. We need to get you up off this floor. Did you bump your head or hurt yourself?”

“No. Leave me alone, Prentiss. Go away.”

“You know what I need from you?” Emily asked. “I need you to stop being an ass and let me help you. You're not staying on the floor all night and I'm not leaving. Take a deep breath and count to ten, Aaron.”

He wasn’t sure why but he actually counted to twenty five. Then he relented, letting Emily help him up off his face. It took a little work, a lot of heavy breathing from both agents, but she got Hotch onto the couch. Before he could mumble thanks, Emily was tinkering around in the kitchen. It didn’t take long for him to smell the coffee…she was making it strong. She was also turning on lights.

Hotch squinted against the harshness of the living room lamp and the kitchen light. Steve Winwood was on the radio now, singing _Don’t You Know What the Night Can Do_. What the hell station was this and when had Hotch ever listened to it? He wanted to throw the radio in the same direction his cell phone went in but it was too far away to reach. Getting up right now wouldn’t be his smartest move.

He’d done enough dumb things tonight; better to quit while he was ahead. Hotch used the remote to turn it off. Emily came back into the room with his biggest mug. When she put it in his hands she caught sight of the cell phone.

“You can do the paperwork for a new one tomorrow.” She said.

“What are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about the cell phone. No wonder you didn’t get my call.”

“I…” Hotch didn’t say anything else. What was there to say really?

“Aaron…”

“Don’t lecture me. Don’t you do it. I don’t need a goddamn lecture right now.”

His snappish tone caught Emily off guard. She’d seen him angry before but even when they’d had their share of choice words in the past, Hotch never sounded like that. He was a belligerent drunk, who would’ve guessed? Emily should've known; there was a lot of pain and rage underneath those perfect suits and ties. She gently placed her hand on his arm, knowing she had to tread lightly. The last thing she was in the mood for was a fight.

“I have never once lectured you and you know that.” Emily replied. “I'm thinking tonight wouldn’t be the best time to start.”

Hotch didn’t respond, he just drank his coffee. Emily’s hand stayed on his arm and it was comforting. She was always comforting. He had no idea what he did to deserve it. Her hand occasionally moved up and down but she made no attempt to do or say anything else.

“My father was an alcoholic.” He told her. “My mother was fond of a cocktail too, though she had nothing on him. When he died she stopped drinking but I think that had more to do with my stepfather and all her medication than anything else. I always swore when he was drunk and angry that I would never be that way. It was destructive, it hurt all of us, but the demons have finally caught up with me."

“You don’t have to let them drag you down.” Emily said. “People love you and want to help. They’ve been trying to help.”

“All I do is let people down, Emily, as a leader and a friend. And Haley…”

“Hotch, don’t do this to yourself. Please.”

“She’s dead because of me.”

“No…”

“Prentiss…”

“No.” Emily’s voice was firm. “Haley is dead because George Foyet was a murderer. It’s not because of you. You were doing your job until the very last moment. You were able to save Jack because of that job. We all do it everyday, Hotch; we put ourselves out there. At anytime someone could choose to take twisted revenge on us.”

“She left me because she didn’t want to be a part of that life anymore.”

“I know that.”

“Do you see why I can't…I hurt people who try to care about me?” Hotch said.

“So you'd rather just hurt yourself? I thought you were smarter than that.”

“You were wrong. You need to just go home, Emily. Thank you for getting me up from the floor but you need to go now.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” She replied. “I'm staying; I'm not letting you push me away anymore. It ends tonight.”

“I'm doing it for your own good. You're…”

“I'm your friend, Aaron. I've been your friend and I will always be your friend. Just let me help. You don’t have to go through this alone.” Her hand slid down and over his.

Hotch sighed, lacing his fingers through Emily’s. He wanted to hold on tight and never let go. He wanted her help, her comfort, and possibly her love. He had for a long time. But Hotch pushed those feelings aside time after time after time.

He also pushed Emily aside. She never stopped showing how much she cared and he sometimes walked by her as if she wasn’t even there. Why had he done that? Why did she care after he’d done that?

Emily slid closer to him on the couch and rested her chin on his shoulder. He smelled of bourbon, a smell familiar and comforting to Emily. Her father was not an alcoholic but he always had a drink or two when he came home at night. Scotch or bourbon flavored kisses took her back to her childhood.

She wasn’t going to be kissing Hotch tonight. She just wanted to be close, wanted him to know that she was close. He was so alone; she could feel it deep inside of him. It took all she had not to throw her arms around him and give him every bit of energy she had. Emily couldn’t do that though…she needed all of her strength.

“I'm going to stop tomorrow.” Hotch said, more to himself than to her. “I mean it…I mean it with all my heart and soul. I'm slipping further into the abyss and only I have the power to stop it. I don’t even know how I got here.”

“You pushed everyone away, Hotch. I'm not saying that I don’t understand, I've been there, but it hurt when I couldn’t reach you. It’s probably for the best that we move forward and not back.”

“You don’t have to…”

“Shut up, Aaron. Just shut up because I don’t want to hear it. I care for you so much, you know that I do, and I will stand by you. You need to take some time off. You need to talk to someone, get some sleep, exercise, and be with Jack.

“You need to pour all the liquor down the sink and not wear a tie. You came back too soon. You knew that but you couldn’t sit still anymore. You wanted to show everyone, especially Strauss, that you were still Hotch. These past few months have been…you need some time off.”

“What's that going to do?” He asked. “It’ll all be waiting for me when I get back.”

“Yeah, but your mind and soul will be in a different place.” She said.

“What if its not? What if I'm never right again?”

“Hotch,” Emily took his face in her hands. “Look at me. You're strong and you can get through this. Just don’t fool yourself…it’s gonna take time. The hardest part will be beginning. This didn’t start with Foyet, I think you know that.”

“New York?”

“Milwaukee. Your life hasn’t been the same since you walked through your front door and your wife was gone.”

Hotch nodded, it was the truth. He dove into work, cases, and paperwork but at night he would lie awake. On some of those nights he wasn’t alone. What had happened between he and Emily wasn’t fair to anyone involved. Did he have feelings for her? Yes.

Was he sure what those feelings were and how to express them? No. That kind of thing should have been the last thing on Hotch’s mind but something was there. He just couldn’t reach it and interpret it. Emily deserved better than that. She deserved the whole world on a platter. She at least deserved someone as strong and loving as she was.

“I think I'm gonna just sleep out here.” Hotch said. His coffee was just warm now but he wanted to finish it. It was decaf so it wouldn’t affect his sleep. He was already feeling quite drowsy.

“Are you sure? We could get you to the bedroom I think.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, and you need a good night’s rest. Hangovers are a little better to handle on comfy pillows.”

“What about you?” Hotch asked.

“I’ll be out here. The couch and I are old friends.”

“You hate my couch.” He reasoned.

“Yeah, but you're not going to concern yourself with that. C'mon, let’s go to bed.”

Hotch managed a smile when he heard that. Emily helped him off the couch but he walked into the bedroom on his own two feet. She stood watch as he undressed; he was still in a full suit. When he was down to his boxers and tee shirt, Hotch fell into bed. Emily told him to turn on his side and sleep that way. He was already halfway gone, didn’t know what she was talking about. He did it anyway. She turned out the lamp.

“Goodnight, Hotch.”

“Thank you.” He barely whispered it. “Words…”

“You surely don’t need them right now. Go to sleep, and we’ll talk in the morning.”

“Goodnight Emily.”

She walked out of the room, pulling the door up but not closing it. In the living room, Emily picked up the mangled cell phone and just looked at it. She sat down on the couch, putting her face in her hands. She was not going to cry; they were going to get through this. Hotch had been through so much already and none of his friends were sure of how much more he could take.

They had noticed the drinking for months. At first they didn’t say anything, and later threw in little remarks that went ignored. Rossi confronted him first and the results weren't good. It was starting to affect his job; the team covered for their Unit Chief as best they could. They didn’t even want to talk about it amongst themselves. The more they said aloud, the more real it became.

Hotch was in trouble. Emily watched Reid stumble, Gideon fall, and now their leader was spiraling out of control. She wasn’t going to let it happen. Hotch had a son, he had a future…he needed to live it. What happened to Haley was nothing short of tragic. Letting Hotch and Jack slip away too was unthinkable.

Emily would hold him up with both hands if she had to. You did that when you loved someone; you stayed for the darkness and the light. It was dark now, quiet. The light had no choice but to show itself. Emily and Aaron would be there when it did.

***


End file.
